Rediscovery

I converted another video file of Ava in Vietnam.  The two videos I just posted are videos I took a few days after the Giving and Receiving day.  I couldn't find any videos of the G&R day.  To be honest, there may not have been a video and I just thought there was.  Since we didn't take pictures during our first and only visit at Tam Binh Orphanage, we didn't have any control over the camcorder on that day.  

Scott and Dallas were kind enough to take some pictures a few minutes after Ava was in our arms. From the time our van pulled into the orphanage gate and the time we left the orphanage, everything was such a blur. It's kind of like your wedding day...it's a whirl wind. You remember bits and pieces, important things that stand out, things that make a permanent imprint in your memory. I'll never ever forget the first time Ava came into the room. I'll never forget the expression on her face. Her little mouth was wide open in an "O" shape but she wasn't making any sound. I don't know what was going through her head but it didn't phase her what was going on or that she was going to be carried out the orphanage door forever in a few minutes. I had been crying because of the exhaustion and emotional roller coaster and the moment I laid eyes on her from across the room, I knew in an instant that that was my daughter. I was afraid I wouldn't recognize her because all we had to go on were the photos we stared at for months on end.

I remember the way Ava smelled and how tiny she felt in my arms. It felt like it was so long ago since I held a baby in my arms (six years to be exact) and I thought I was going to crush her against my chest. She didn't wiggle a lot but I wanted to hold her forever and just freeze that moment. I was just as frightened as she was. It didn't start to dawn on her that we were not her caretakers when we stepped into the van and that's when she started to wail. It completely broke our hearts because there was nothing we could do or say to convince her that everything was going to be okay. I remember I kept telling her that it may seem so horrible right now, but I promise that I will do everything I can to make her happy and feel safe and loved for the rest of her life. I wanted to cry for this little creature who was so unsure of herself and so afraid of the world. But I didn't because I didn't want her to feel my fears. I wanted to be strong for her and just love her.

After a few hours and days, she slowly came out of her "shell". It took months after the fact but there were rare glimpses of a happy baby which I was able to capture on film. I found one of the videos I took about a week after the G&R day. You can see she had changed dramatically. Although you can't see it in the video, I look at the photos and you can actually see the transformation right before your eyes. The first few photos, her eyes are all red and puffy and her face looks so sullen and sad. Then as you see the later photos, the facial expressions change from confusion and uncertainty to curiosity and cautious. It isn't until about four months when you can finally see a sincere smile on her face. I remember I kept asking Michael after six months at home, "Do you think she feels loved? Do you think she feels safe? Do you think she knows who her Mommy and Daddy are?"

Now I think she knows who to run to when she's hurt, hungry, tired, alone, happy and everything in between. I love how she throws her arms up as soon as we walk into the room or how she perks up when she hears us down the hall. She calls for Mommy and Daddy when she wakes up in the morning and she gives us kisses without us begging her for one. You can see that our children light up our eyes and makes our hearts lighter. I guess I make these "rediscoveries" with each passing birthday. The joys and revelations are every day but the memories come pouring in on birthdays and anniversaries.